The Weekly Shiner

Seriously!  It’s been a busy week, what with all of the … the busy things happening and whatnot.  The Weekly Shiner shop is almost ready for public use, our first article comments have started rolling in, and now… we’ve decided to stop posting!

No, not really.  Expect more from the website this week.

In the meantime, take a gander over at the tragedy that was the Michael Jackson funeral coverage.  Seriously.  What has our world come to?

Also, I still insist that this reinforces my Watchmen parallel with all of these celebrities dying.  Someone is killing off all of the super-stars.  Or semi-stars.

B Stars?

Whatever.

We’re going to have a sweater sale next week in the soon-to-be-open Shiner Shop. Beard combs and fat-rimmed neon sunglasses will not be sold, but your dirty hipster friends should come in droves for the sweaters anyway. Winter is, after all, almost upon us comrades.

First on the list of potential hipster schwag: Communist propaganda/Phoenix Coyotes hockey jersey apparel!  Sanctioned by Premier Wayne Gretzkey himself, and made by the tiniest of children’s hands, you’ll be the talk of any dirty hipster party with this jersey on.  Feel free to send your e-mails with frantic preorder requests now.  Child labor willing, your shirt order will be filled and processed within 2-3 years, then seized and rationed out appropriately.  Your hipster Castro hat should match nicely!

The second item being put up for sale in the new Shiner Shop is a commemorative “I Kicked John Kerry in the Nuts” t-shirt, so that you can let all of your douchebag friends know that you are a) politically conscious, and, b) that you and your kicking feet have poor impulse control.  You’ll be the talk of the town.  I promise.  They’ll all be talking about you.

They’re talking about you right now and you don’t know what they’re saying.

FINALLY, but not least importantly, celebrate the newest addition to Brooklyn – rather, additions – with a piece of cloth with four holes in it.  It’s a shirt!  About Boobies!

Huzzah!

That is all.

Hope you all had a great weekend, I know I did.  OK – let’s get straight into the content, since I’m not actually interested in hearing about your weekend.

As I was spending my Sunday winding down watching transvestite remakes of Fanta commercials on YouTube and being a generally useful human being, I received this article from J.P. LaMonne that really kicked off a downward spiral of productivity starting at the Wikipedia entry for the Phoenix Coyotes hockey team and ending here.  Needless to say (though I’m saying it anyway), The Shiner has broken yet another important story that saves capitalism from the clutches of evil hockey organizations from Arizona.

In posting it, Sir LaMonne has requested that I dial back the date a few weeks so that the article seems more timely.  For my own nefarious reasons, however, I’ve decided to post it as a current feature on the website.  Personal vendettas die hard, J.P., and I will continue to make these half-hearted slights toward you until one day your throw your hands up in the air and, in one large cry, ask the lord why you must suffer these indignations.

Speaking of Oprah, our own D.H. Skonieczny has given us this deeply investigative, hard-hitting piece that takes a look at Oprah’s weight loss.  Note the Google ads on the article’s page, because really, that could be the joke.  Being a humor site and using Google AdSense does not seem to be so easy!  Also note: My Oprah transition above was seamless.

Almost as seamless as Tucker Carlson’s move from pundit to TWH (The White House)!  Heyo!  In what may be the most surprising communique I’ve ever received from a mega-famous personality, Tucker has sent TWS (The Weekly Shiner) a sort of 90 hour run down of his hypothetical first days in office?  Why the hell would he send me this?

I’m so tired of this.  I’m over it.  I’m over it.

Okay.

Welcome to The Weekly Shiner: a weekly online humor blog run by a few guys from the suburbs of Chicago.  Front page tie-in posts will be found every week on Sunday, but general humor and news will roll in on a day-to-day basis.  That is all ye know, and all ye need to know.

This week’s offering, which is really just a kick-off article written by our own J. Pinskers and submitted to all major newspapers in the continental United States, takes an academic approach to solving the problem of Guantanamo Bay.  I don’t think he’s quite ironed out the problem of “who gets the top bunk,” but having already been resigned to this shortcoming, and for lack of an alternative solution, I find myself supporting this proposal 100 percent.

The Weekly Shiner hopes you all had an enjoyable 4th of July, and that you can still count to ten using both hands and all of your fingers.