First, let me bring all you hockey lamen up to speed. I apologize to my fellow Canadians and other hockey fans with mullets who know all the following backround information:
There really is a hockey team in Phoenix Arizona, and their mascot is the Coyote. Wayne Grezkey is their head coach (yeah I know, the Wanye Grezkey). Now I know what you are wondering: how did a retirement community located in a desert with an asshole for a sheriff land a hockey team? Well, in 1996 ownership fighting and high player salaries forced the team formerly known as the Winnipeg Jets to Phoenix. In the process, the good people of Winnipeg were robbed of their team, identiy, and probably the last thing on a very short list of things preventing mass cult-like suicides. The new franchise got off to a fast start making the playoffs the first five of six years, yet they never made it out of the first round. That was then, and since the NHL lockout the Coyotes have fallen on hard times. This season, with even the great one behind the bench, they finished 13th and are financially bankrupt. With the plan to sell the team to Canadian billionaire Jim Balsillie falling through, team officials have been searching for a new direction.
The Phoenix Coyotes announced on Tuesday that they would be heading in a new direction. Team Spokesman Doug Moss announced that the organization would be implementing the Soviet model of communism for next season. He went on to further state that “this was not just a change in style of play but a whole new plan for the entire organization and state as well.”
The communist regime will seize power immediately. As of noon tomorrow Wayne Gretzky will take over as premier.
Moss assured everyone at the press conference that the Coyotes – and the city of Phoenix – were still loyal to the United States and the current president. Yet there would be signfinant changes, spelled out in a three part manifesto
I. Organization
First and most important will be to change the name of the Arena which currently holds the title of the worst name for any sporting arena (the Job.com arena). It will now be known as Gretzkygrad.
The Coyotes marketing department will start distributing propaganda immediately saying that Wayne Gretezky wasn’t just a pussy scorer or traitor to Canada, but the one true hockey god/leader.
Employee dress code changed to mandatory Russian uniforms, even in desert heat. Bonus uniforms come with hockey stick and AK-47.
All babies born in phoenix will be given the name Boris regardless of gender.
The staduim will now have barbed wire and zambonies armed with machine gunners
Along with the American and Canadian anthem played, the Coyotes will play the U.S.S.R.’s national anthem, just replacing the words Soviet Union with Phoenix Coyotes
Canceling all inter period fun activities and replacing them with a loyalty oath and a reading of Russian authors such as Leo Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, and Vladimir Nabokov.
Posters of Marx, Lenin, and Stalin put above all urinals. Also, urinal cakes will have the logos of other teams on them and give off a pleasant vanilla scent.
Beer replaced by vodka.
Illegal immigrants rounded up and sent to training camps with the hope of tapping into to new fan and talent base. Moss added, «do you know how many Martinez jersey we could sell in Central and South America? Now the hard part is just finding a player.”
The new team logo will be combo of both old and new. Howler the Coyote will be in full uniform and always carrying a hammer and sickle.
II. Team and Players
Coaches and players will be separated from their friends and family during the season. The players will live at the Coyotes’ facility, while their friends and families are held in something called a motivation settlement.
Players can earn visitations with family and friends by scoring goals, assists, or stopping the other team’s capitalist agenda.
All sponsorship deals are now null and void. The players will only wear official state gear which they will be forced to share and only do commercials for Nestle Quick.
For motivation, all players will receive Marx’s Communist Manifesto, a subscription to The Socialist Worker, and a copy of Rocky IV with the alternate ending where Drago wins and fucks Adrian for good measure. Also, Lou Holtz will come in to be a keynote speaker.
III. The State/Fan Base
The city of Phoenix will have a wall built around it. Moss assured that he would use union labor to do this, but come on now, we know Mexicans will be building it.
Fans will be forced to attend games. The strategy to enforce this: if a home game doesn’t sell out, marshal law will be declared in the streets and the only safe haven will be Grekztygrad.
Each row will be given one foam finger, two nachos, one hot pretzel, three vodkas, and four hot dogs to share each game.
Moss also said that though he doesn’t foresee things reaching such a drastic tone, but he has arranged for “traitors to the sweater” to be shipped off to Utah. Similar to those sent to Siberia.
Hat tricks will now be known as ushanka tricks.
Tailgating will be replaced by a burning in effigy zone where fans can show up early and burn items of other teams and capitalism.
Maybe the linchpin of the fan base and plan: if the coyotes win the cup, every resident of Phoenix gets a mule, a chicken, one mail order bride, and a half day off of work.
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Many, however, see this plan as unusual if not nuts. The league, as well as other world leaders, have taken notice. Henry Kissinger just signed as assistant GM to the Dallas Stars and Commissioner Gary Bettman has been talking with top U.S. military officials. Prime Minister of Russia Vladimir Putin just ordered season tickets.
Time will tell if Moss’ move works, but if the Coyotes make the playoffs, be prepared to see a worker’s revolution all over Canada and in original six towns.
Stay with the WEEKLY SHINER for more on this story.
- J.P. LaMonne
Tags: canada, communism, coyotes, hockey, phoenix coyotes
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